The Samaritans UK line is constantly engaged so as I can’t ring that I thought I’d cheer you all up instead.
We started so well at Perth. Harmison must have been put in a padded cell showing “When the boat comes in” on plasma screen whilst being intravenously fed Newcastle Brown on a drip – almost back to his best bowling wise and some useful runs. And not from Newcastle Brown.
And FINALLY, Panesar.
5 wickets in the first innings and 3 in the second. The newspapers here are saying we were “fools” not to select him previously, hope they mean Fletcher & co and not the supporters.
I gather Giles has gone home due to a serious illness with his wife and despite cricket events we must put this into proper perspective now and all wish him and his family all the best.
Back to the test. We blew the second day with rank bad batting and then were crusssshed on day 3 my precious by a superb batting display from Gilchrist aka “Dumbo – if your ears were any bigger you’d take off”.
Thank goodness I had the good sense to leave the ground for some real beer at tea before the carnage started. Two of the sixes were near where I was sat and out of the sun I’d have never picked them up for a catch.
Second fastest test ton in history I gather and I’m real happy I missed it. How bitter is that?
As you may imagine we were all pretty depressed after this onslaught but carried out our own onslaught that night on the Perth beer supply which restored morale wonderfully well. At one point there were about 15 of us accompanying a young lady guitar busker on the street corner in a rousing chorus of “We’ve got ourselves a fielding bowling batting jumping Panesar” – tune – Young Ones.
Tractor had earlier made her singing debut in a “Shining” type empty Korean karaoke bar under the influence of gin and tonic in a duet with one of hers and Tom’s backpacker buddies, half of a couple himself called, would you believe, Howie and Jim. Don’t go breaking my heart by Tractor and Jim.
As I write this we’ve done pretty well on day 4 better than expected in fact spoiled only by two late but crucial wickets from grandad Mc Grath. Now has his own song;
“There’s only one Glen McGrath, only one Glen McGrath, with his pension book and his zimmerframe GlenMcGrath has pi**ed himself again”. He likes that one.
Superb knocks from Cook, Bell and Pietersen – very controlled and looked in control and our only hope in the morning.
However the end is nigh I fear.
It’s not all bad news though. You may have heard we’ve got our trumpeter back, and he’s on superb form. I got a request this morning which was a piece of Dvorjak (can’t spell it) NWS otherwise known as ‘The Hovis advert with the bread boy on his bike going up the hill”.
Played in a classical manner which brought loud applause even from our uncultured Ozscum fanatic neighbours who are only used to listening to AC/DC and Motorhead.
We’ve also had Christmas songs! Jingle Bells, Slade, Ding dong merrily on high, and my personal favourite “Little Donkey” where the words have been changed viz:
“Little Monty Little Monty on the dusty track
Little Monty Little Monty bring our Ashes back.”
The banter between the fans has been the best so far. During one of our many choruses of the Australian national Anthem i.e. God save YOUR Queen one of the ozscum drongoes actually had the wit to sing back ” Your next queen is Camilla Parker-Bowles” which was immediately latched on to by his larrikin mates. Believe me this was a rare occurrence.
Not a hard response though ” YOUR next queen is Camilla Parker Bowles” seemed to do the trick!!
At this point I feel I should introduce you to Gerry the scouser who is staying in our hotel and some of you may meet in Melbourne. Birkenhead pensioner drinking machine with pipecleaner legs and a ready wit.
Gerry had been up to Ayers rock on his way here from Adelaide on a 3 day excursion and hated every minute of it. Our hotel manager was trying to creep to him on Saturday evening after we got battered by Dumbo with a free pint etc and says ” Did sir like the trip to Ayers rock?”
Reply – say it in scouse – ” Wot — dat f***ing pimple in the desert?”
My screen is covered in spittle as I try it.
Well that’s all for now, probably another report to follow when I hit Melbourne – look forward to seeing Herbie, SP, The Fly (if not in Bulgaria, Afganhistan of Audenshaw) and Son of perhaps next week.
To everybody else – HAVE A GREAT XMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR .
By the way this is a lot f***ing cheaper than Christmas cards, I’ll have to do something similar next year…….