First of all I would like to thank you all most sincerely for your outstanding response to my recent request for financial assistance with these blogs.
My e-mail box has been blocked with offers as if a ton of fatty spam has just been dumped into it and my mobile phone has been red hot with text message pledges.
I received a text offer of one dollar from CRISPY of Netherfield CC , which person & club henceforth will now be forever accursed in the Midnight Tour Diaries. I know I dont like cricket, I love it but what do you think this is CRISPY, a 10CC song ? I busted him down to the Gippo Army section for that derisory offer and talking of which…the Gippo Army have responded in exactly the way I expected.
I suspect there would be more chance of the UK receiving overseas aid from Bangladesh than any help from that source. So its down to you rich cockneys with jobs. Come on lads its just a couple less pink gins on a Friday night posing dahn the wine bar. SAINT at least has the right idea! Thanks for the offer mate.
Some news from home in today from text correspondent HERBIE THE GRIM REAPER of North London in his usual restrained style. I would like to offer my congratulations to the mighty West Ham United on their marvellous Carling Cup win against my own modest plodders, who despite having won in Moscow , are clearly unable to cope with the sub-zero temperatures in our capital. Tremers also passes on his best wishes but mentioned something about you guys being ” humped by the Gunners” in the semi-final so I hope you avoid them in the draw.
However, personally , GRIM REAPER , I would save my text chirping until my team had risen a few places up the Premier League table…..
On our last night in Brisbane TREMERS amazingly trumped TRACTOR 1’s Match Ticket raffle draw 900 rand win in Durban, by winning a Barmy Army competition himself. The prize was “a night on the beer with your favourite England player!”. I’m sure if you have read previous blogs you will be able to guess which player he chose but if you have not been paying attention I’ve attached a photo which may help.
The flight to Adelaide on Dec 1 was delayed for about 6 hours which meant hanging about the airport but as we got on the plane I thought my wait had at least been rewarded by an empty seat on the plane next to me – TREMERS and LOFTY were sat in the aisle opposite. Then the final passenger got on board. Assisted by hydraulic lifting gear and the entire aircraft cabin staff, the fattest hulk in the known universe came lumbering down the cabin – only one seat left – cue inane puerile giggles and “Mr Creosote” comments from those two bastards . It was a miracle they managed to fit him between the armrests.
Luckily , because of the flight delays there was no food available on our flight so at least he wasnt able to ” ‘ave the bleedin’ lot” when the menu came round.
As a compensation for the lack of food we were given free SKY TV to watch – and guess what they were showing – bloody Carling Cup football from the Boleyn Ground.
What a great day I had on the 1st December.
On arrival in Adelaide we were taken on a wine tour and barbeque in the evening by BILL and his family , if you were on the last New Zealand tour you should remember BILL who was with us on the Napier grass bank and is of course FIVE-O’s brother in law.
We thought it only right & proper to induct BILL and his lovely wife ALEX and son NEIL into the ADDIS ARMY ANZACS. Photos to follow.
BILL drove us out to Mclaren Vale , which is the wine area the locals prefer and this made a good change from the Germanic Barossa which I visited last trip with FREDDIE . No tourist buses – and no clicking Japanese lenses. Just good old fashioned quality wines. We stocked up in preparation for our epic trip into the desert next week in our camper van – gotta remember the essentials for an arduous trip like this and good red wine falls into that category. BILL wasnt drinking , just tasting & spitting out, but given the number of times he failed to navigate the exit from each and every vineyard we visited you could be forgiven for thinking he had secretly downed the spitoon contents in a hurry before leaving the premises. Doubter of Dobcross , you would have loved this trip today. Great wine but loads of bullsh*t comments about flavours , noses , bouquets etc etc. Why cant these ” professionals ” just drink the stuff and enjoy themselves – we were inventing our own flavours by vineyard 4 -” I think this one reminds me of a Polish pomegranate with a hint of white chocolate”. LOFTY will be writing his own wine magazine on his return to Guernsey entitled ” Great wine lakes I have drained”.
For those of you who may be considering a trip over and are worried about obtaining match tickets , you simply need to follow the example set by LOFTY which is detailed each day below.
Day 1 of the test dawned. LOFTY had a ticket purchased in the UK via RIPMEOFF.com on the grass bank which he used for precisely ten minutes before retiring to the shade behind the stand because of the intense heat.
After we lost the toss , we all feared the worst. However after just 3 overs we were all in delirium with the Aussies at 2 for 3 after a great run out by Trott and two crap shots by Punter and Pup. For me , the myth of Australian invincibility on home soil was exploded forever during this match as they subsided to 245 all out on day 1 and were it not for Mr Turkey , the total would have been much lower. The scorching heat drove myself and LOFTY into a local air-conditioned pub , the Queens Head , to seek cool air and cold beer while TREMERS battled it out on the terraces. The mood of the locals in this pub was not good and when the wicket of Harris fell after referral and I cheered loudly, a local hoon walked up to me.
” Hey pommie bastard. Why dont you find an English pub to drink in! “
My reply ; ” Look at the sign over the door mate . I already have “.
I expected a feral outburst with that one, but fair play, he considered the response and nodded and just walked back to his mates to sulk.
Day 2 and LOFTY’s ticket , which he had already paid for via RIPMEOFF.com, didnt arrive. So he purchased a duplicate from a tout thinking this was “under cover”. It was on the grass bank in the sun with us again!
A wonderful batting display by Trott and Cook once more and I think the Aussies were wondering how they would ever get this pair out but when they did get Trott out, KP came in and poured on more agony.
A magnificent double hundred would evolve from this innings.
The temperature in the ground reached 37% on day 2 which aint half hot , in fact far too hot for LOFTY who turned up late for the game , then spent another ten minutes on the grass bank before retiring to the shade of Sergeant Major Shut-up’s shed until we went for a beer and Chinese meal on Gouger Street after the game to celebrate LAURA’s birthday. LOFTY took exception to our suggestion that he might prefer Gullivers Travels on his next tour!! POSH MARGARET also appeared on day 2 with Dave from Wigan , and we tried to persuade them to accompany us on the Chinese meal without success although we did have a nice beer or two in the Dog & Duck after the close of play. LAURA thoroughly enjoyed her birthday treat and told us that ever since she was a young girl, she had dreamed of getting piss*d with seven male cricket geeks two weeks before her wedding. After a few beers she fell prey to nostalgia and started telling us a story of PC Tintin’s puddle-leaping exploits in Goa. The way LAURA described it , PC Tintin was no Bear Grylls and it seems displayed some rather girly traits , unlike the solid “Robocop” image we are now all used to.
I must also at this point introduce WAYNE , the groundsman from Port Talbot CC – a mate of TREMERS!! Those readers who excel in geography will know that Port Talbot is in Wales,and while TREMERS has agreed that WAYNE may be admitted to the ADDISARMY he insists this needs to be in an overseas section.
Our suggestion is that he is included in the ANZAC division as ” New South Wales ” but the casting vote here belongs to Michael Scrooge.
An amusing incident occured while myself and TREMERS were making our way home by train from Adelaide Central after LAURA’s birthday. An aboriginal guy who was well dressed and to all appearances “western” in manner suddenly started kicking off with four young white Australian girls and gave them a heap of abuse about their make-up , clothing and prescence in “his” country. Quite a few of the hoons who had been at the cricket giving the poms abuse watched this chip on shoulder display with guilty silence , I can only imagine the reaction that would have occurred had it been poms giving the lip. We simply observed , got off the train, and exchanged knowing glances.
We have heard again today from our good Aussie mate JIM in Launceston , Tasmania , who tells us he has mysteriously lost all interest in cricket and instead has taken up watching the World Tiddlywinks Championship from West Indies. JIM tells us the latest score on Day 2 was – Jamaica 317 tiddles, Barbados 99.
I have also heard again today from both Doubter of Dobcross ( with more portents of doom ) and HERBIE THE GRIM REAPER who rival each other in sarcasm except that HTGR now tells us he is intending to turn up over here for the Sydney Test. May I suggest a white Christmas in Saddleworth instead Herbie – I may even know a like minded mate for you to go for a pint with!
Day 3 found LOFTY outside the ground with his RIPMEOFF.Com ticket intact but purchasing another ticket in the shade for $90. So he ended up with two tickets. It was cloudy all day and we never saw the sun once. KP went on to destroy the Aussie bowling with his great double ton ably supported by Bell and Collingwood.
Days 4 & 5 LOFTY used his normal ticket – his total expenditure on Adelaide tickets has now risen to $2,895.
On the final morning rain was greatly feared and expected but England polished off the Aussies in about 90 minutes and I wasnt the only one filling up as the final wicket fell and the horrible memories of our last Test match at this ground were well and truly exorcised. More filling up post-match at the Archer pub where a large group were formally admitted to the ADDIS ARMY amongst whom you may remember:
COWES PHIL and CONVICT STEVE – two Southampton fans who dined with us at the ADDIS IN CAPE in Cape Town. NAPALM NICK , who some of you will remember from Durban. STUART , a Brighton supporter and a regular at the Tests.
And last but certainly not least – Lovely KATE and TIM, whose house we have been occupying it seems for weeks and who we finally went out with on the evening of Day 4 to Beyond India. KATE & TIM in the ANZAC section obviously.
When the deluge of rain did come as expected at around 2pm wild cheering and celebrations ensued as the pub roof leaked gallons of water during the storm , which probably rivalled Noah’s flood.
A word here for the great support at this test from the Barmy Army especially Billy the Trumpeter who must have had no wind left at the end of the game. However to balance this out comment has been made regarding certain tiresome individuals. MR AV IT is still here , what humour there ever was is wearing very thin indeed now and there is no justification for full monogrammed ” AV IT ” clothing at the Test match. I was considering asking him if he would like to be guest speaker at JAMES and LAURA’s wedding next week – you can only imagine –
” Right just because its your wedding night—-we want NO NONSENSE”
Also the guy with the pink inflatable duck ( which I think is supposed to represent SWANN ) who shall henceforth be known as DESPERATE DUCK given his desperate desire to be spotted and be “somebody” on TV. All rather sad. I seem to remember I was the original converter of the Ryan Giggs song to “Swann will tear you apart again” in Pretoria ( unless anyone wants to correct me ) and I don’t need jerks with inflatables running around making a cottage industry out of the song.
A great win. And if you were here in 2006 , so , so sweet.
Off to the desert now!