Australia Tour 2010/11
Perth - What we need is an Addis Army Wedding
What an incredible few days it has been. About ten days ago we heard that Warnie has been "seeing" Liz Hurley. And as I write this blog , today she has found out that he is a text pest and love rat etc etc and has dumped the rug haired spinner. Smart girl , that Liz. Leopards might change their wigs but they dont change their spots!
Well , after our camper van had finished thundering across the outback like Bill Carson's hearse ( as in The Good The Bad and The Ugly ) we arrived in Kalgoorlie - hence my use of a western metaphor as this is a wild west town in all but name and location.
By this time I was feeling a bit like Bill Carson myself , a visit to the doctors was required due to neck and chest pains whilst TREMERS and LOFTY played the desert golf course in 46% heat. TREMERS deserves a medal for doing all 18 holes although it got too hot for LOFTY after the 11th, so I gather, and he assumed the position of slumped-on-the-steering wheel buggy chauffeur while TREMERS played on.
Kalgoorlie is an old gold mining town , with everything that a self-respecting miner requires - a whole street of "legalised" brothels , "skimpy " bars where the girls who serve the beer wear apparel as per the description, and a big super pit to pull all the gold out of the ground. The "skimpy" bars were quite fascinating and a local told me that the girls used to serve completely naked but the local council passed a law that they had to wear some clothes , so the bar owners got round that by cladding them in cling-film. Must have been very hot and uncomfortable. Then , another law was passed to leave us with the diluted version available today. Still good fun though.
After two more nights on the road we finally dropped the blessed camper van off in Perth and I headed to the pub to celebrate , complete with my medication supplied by the Nigerian doctor in Kalgoorlie - a large tub of anti-inflammatories. He gave me some great advice too: " You are far too old to be doing this !!". Taking the advice completely at face value we ended up in the Brass Monkey - which is just a pub in Perth despite the connotation of the name-and a full day drinking session ensued with TREMERS , LOFTY , COWES PHIL , his son LIAM , and JAMES and LAURA - whose wedding was scheduled for the following day.
We were finally refused more alcohol by the barman at about 9pm , when myself , COWES PHIL and LIAM were all given candy walking sticks - a nice touch and a subtle hint that it was time to make your way home. We didnt argue. We werent in any fit state to do so.
So to the morning of the big wedding and it didnt disappoint. About thirty guests with a good sprinkling of ADDIS members were assembled on Monument Hill to observe the lovely ritual - it wasnt just me that that found the group photo reminiscent of that scene on the cliffs at the end of the Wicker Man where the whole village turns out and celebrates the fate of the hero - but Im sure our JAMES and LAURA werent bothered and they celebrated presumably as they mean to go on through the night , becoming spangled very early indeed at about 8pm. They were not the only ones. COWES PHIL spilt a glass of red wine down his shirt during a very loud Roger AV-IT impression - " ARRRRROOOOOOGAGH - NO NONSENSE!" which he has become very accomplished at. He later got turned away from another bar due to the "bloodstains" on his shirt - it did look as if he had been shot with a magnum - and he resorted to coming back later wearing the coveted MIDNIGHT safari jacket to conceal his stains.
As our party progressed ever more drunkenly to Little Creatures Microbrewery , the management and bouncers there had issues with one of our party who insisted upon dancing by himself in the middle of the floor. These issues resulted in the early closure of the whole bar! As what goes on tour stays on tour I shall refrain from naming the person concerned.
GAZ the DIPLOMAT has now joined our merry throng and last night he attended the big concert in Perth - that Irish Band from Ireland , U2 , are in town.
We have heard that half way into the show Bono sat at the front of the stage and started slowly and rhythmically clapping his hands. " Every time I do this , another little child dies in Africa" Bono shouts to the crowd.
" Well, stop fu*king" clapping then ", shouts back the DIPLOMAT!!
I have heard once more from Doubter of Dobcross who may have got this result in Perth correct if he had stuck to his usual line of pessimism. However , he had other things on his mind this time. On a routine visit to my house during his lunch hour from work to check everything was in order, he managed to lock himself in my living room resulting in three missed calls and two text messages to Australia to me to try and rescue him. Even if I hired a Lear Jet and flew back to the UK I think he would have been quite late back to work that day! Happily he has managed to carry out a Great Escape now.
I'd better put something in here for the cricket buffs about Englands performance , which was to say the least most disappointing , in fact a return in some ways to the bad old days.
Tremlett bowled well , and certainly my travelling pal Simon enjoyed hearing the Barmy Army shouting " Come on TREMMERS", but the fact remains the team is weaker without Broady.
Pietersen contributed little as did Collingwood. Prior proved again to me that his batting cannot be relied upon when we really need it. Ian Bell once again looked our best player. I think some changes are needed for the next game at Manchester by the sea , and I would leave out Finn who is too expensive and bring in either Bresnan or Shazad to beef up the batting.
Personally I would also give Davies a run now instead of Prior , but I would be astonished if the selectors went for that one.
As I write this report the game has just ended and I must finish on a humourous note. The game only took 40 minutes to conclude on day 4 and as I left the ground , people were still arriving for the start!
As the Red Cat bus went round its circular route away from the ground and into the city a guy tried to get on it with a view of going back round to the WACA - an Aussie , obviously he had got up late. AS the bus pulled up completely full and he was unable to get on , he still hadnt got the message that it was over. " Is the game finished mate" , he enquired of a Brit standing next to the exit.
" Yeah just ended mate. We beat you and Swann got 200".
The look on that guys face was a picture!
On to Melbourne then a little less positive , but things are evenly balanced and all is far from lost.
Wishing everyone foolish enough to waste time reading this a very happy Christmas , with lots of snow and ice.
Love , Midnight.