West Indies Tour 2009

West Indies Tour 2009: Cross-Dressing Pirates of the Caribbean - Day 4

The trouble with writing these diaries retrospectively is that if something remarkable happens later which may be unrelated to the diary its hard to resist throwing in a comment or two.

In the 1970’s of Old Trafford at approx 8pm in light that would not be playable today David Hughes hit 24 from one over by Gloucester spinner John Mortimore to win the Gillette Cup semi-final for Lancashire – oooooh those were the days.

This incident was featured by the BBC on “100 Great Sporting Moments” .

Last night a certain England bowler whose name escapes me was hit for 4,6,4,4,4,4 by Chanderpaul in one over. That’s 26 runs – or 25 if John Dyson is doing the counting!

Maybe the BBC will be doing a series called “ 100 Great Sporting Morons” – I live in hope. I gather the aforementioned Dyson is being considered for the England coaching role and I spent most of this morning in fervent prayer that the incompetent Aussie bean-counter and his abacus will not be allowed near our team – we are bad enough as it is.

Anyway back to the diary. I have recently been accused by text message of trying to cover up my drink related scrapes so Herbie , here is what you’ve been waiting for. I hope the contents delight you.

For your writer, Im sorry to say the third day of the Test can only be described as embarrassing & messy.

West Indies batted on – and on and on , and after watching Wycombe pad up and bat surprisingly well in the nets provided for the punters at the Kensington Oval during the lunch break we retired for “lunch” to “ Gallons” rum shack which we had come across on the morning walk to the ground. No soft anglicised Barmy Army type pub this with Carling lager and a DJ – this place was full on ethnic, get yourself sozzled all day , evening & night territory. Our barman is called Trevor.

We started with a light order of three bottles of Mountgay rum , and coke mixer. This was followed by another light order of three bottles of Mountgay rum with ginger mixer.

Several of our party myself included decided to stay in the rum shack for the afternoon session and miss the delights of Sarwan scoring a double hundred.

Herbie and Wycombe amongst others returned to the Oval.

Those remaining in the rum shack proceed to drink Trevor dry of Mountgay rum , and we have to move onto his inferior brand , “Old Brigand”.

The Saint, our Cornishman from Prestwich, North Manchester , comes over all piratical, doing a stereotyped “Cornish yokel” accent at every opportunity.

After several more rounds provided by Trevor the barman some of us are decidedly worse for wear and when the cricket ends and the rumshack fills up with people again I start to hallucinate. It is a bad trip.

I see Wycome dressed in a thigh-slapping female pirate outfit reminiscent of Maureen O’ Hara in one of those old Errol Flynn movies.

I see Freddie kissing the female pirate under the mast!

I see a full West Indian drum band parading round the shack including a woman dancer with a great big pillow up her backside.

I see Herbie, who keeps going to the bar.

I see Wycombe place a spread bet that Windies will not score more than 500 runs in their first innings at £2 a run.

It must all be a bad dream and its time to go home.

Later I am told we had flying fish for dinner at Tara and most of mine was still flying after it had been caught , breadcrumbed and cooked.

As I fall asleep at the table like a drunken old pensioner , its time to call Matron.

I go / am put to bed. Bring on Sarwan tomorrow.

Son of and Saint go out later and return to Tara some time after 3.30am , which apparently is the time Streetfly and Mr Blade finish drinking their vodka and rum and themselves stagger to bed.

At this rate, our joint application to become Lords members might be in some jeopardy!

Quote of the day

Saint “ Aarrrr it be a wreckers wind offshore today, me hearties”.


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