West Indies Tour 2009

West Indies Tour 2009: Arrival at Tara - Day 1

Leave home feeling very hung over after a quiet pint pre-tour with The Saint.

On arrival at Manchester airport with Streetfly having escaped from Yorkshire we bump into Wycombe , Mr & Mrs Blade , Thomas Blade , Walt & Christine at the bar and the Guinness and lager starts to flow.

In the airport departure lounge the big-nosed footballer Phil Thompson is spotted in the executive area above us plebs sipping coffee prior to his departure for Madrid , no doubt to watch Liverpools evening game there against Real. A bout of good natured abuse and gesturing is no doubt appreciated by big-nosed Phil , slumming it under duress in the land of his small-nosed enemies.

The airline make a great play of checking us all in together as a party , but upon boarding the plane we are spread wider than a whores legs and in order to socialise together in the time-honoured fashion it is necessary to stand in the aisle near the seats of Streetfly and the Saint. This aggravates relations with a number of psychotic female passengers who appear to have major issues with both the flight , the airline staff , and our reasonable desire to stand and drink together.

On arrival at Barbados airport we are met as planned by our Gangsta / Mafia taxi drivers Junior & Simeon , who promise to show us to our Villa and show us a good time later. We explain that Son of has not yet arrived. Instead, we request that we are directed to the local supermarket to obtain “mixers” to accompany our Manchester duty

-free, whereupon we proceed to pick the booze shelves clean faster than a swarm of alcoholic locusts , filling two large trolleys with all manner of grog , two cartons of orange juice and a bottle of coke. Oh and don’t forget that packet of crisps.

When we arrive at our villa head groundsman Simon is there to greet us wearing a wig. We are gob-smacked by the palatial surroundings , including a fence and electronic gate to keep out the neighbouring Gangsta and Rudeboy population. We are also gob-smacked to find the owners have already stocked the fridge with £800 of food and drink in preparation for our arrival.

Herbie , who arrived on an earlier flight due to his superior airline planning , is gob-smacked to find he is sharing a room & double bed with Wycombe.

A lovely meal is cooked for us by our resident staff – more of whom later - and enjoyed in civilised fashion. This will be the last time the word “civilised” or its derivatives will be used in this tour diary for some time!

We name our temporary home “Tara”, which for those under 50 years of age comes from the antebellum house in the film “Gone with the Wind”. Given the amount of burping , snoring & farting that would occur over the next week it is harder to imagine a more suitable description.

More in day 2.

Quotes of the day:

Moaning woman on plane to merry Midnight : “ Do you mind not standing there , you are hemming me in to my seat”. Midnight to same “ You are hemmed into the fuselage of an aeroplane”

Moaning Scots woman on plane sat behind Wycombe , stood in the aisle “ Do you mind – how can I say this – but someone been farting in my face for the last half hour and its f**king disgusting”


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