Australia Tour 2006/07

1st Report from Brisbane

G'day pommie B******s! Weekend coming up and time to get out those barbies and cool boxes!

Greetings from the land of Oz where hedonism, facial hair and boorish behaviour rule. Any form of wit or subtlety is a criminal offence here punishable by flogging.

The journey from UK wasn’t without its highlights. From London to Singapore I was stuck in a window seat with a disabled German lady pensioner from Adelaide on the outside. No matter how many times I watched the inflight movie "The Davinci Code" I couldn’t find a clue how to get past her to go to the bog without incurring a torrent of teutonic wrath.13 hours with legs crossed and no ciggies but at least the film was great - I would never have guessed the ending!

The flight from Singapore to Brisbane involved a complaint to the Customer Services manager as I had a metal box in front of me where my feet should go and Quantas ran out of food. Other than that it was a pleasant 2-day trip-recommended to one and all.

And so to the cricket!! Not good so far. The Queensland Cricket Authorities in their wisdom have split up all the Brits so we cant sing etc and in an interview with this Queensland head honcho numpty outside the ground by that nice Mr Isaaccs from Sky he explained this was to improve crowd behaviour. Yeah right.

Yesterday I had the misfortune to be sat in front of a genuine yokel from hicksville who was already totally legless before the start. He sang "in yer face in yer face in yer face" to me for two hours at which point I told him his lyrics weren’t exactly Lennon & Maccartney and adjourned to the pub for the afternoon session. He was asleep when I returned but I was informed he had wet himself (and several others) in my absence - lucky escape there!

The Ford motor co have jumped on the 4x4 so to speak with their advertising/ backing of the series here in Australia under the slogan "Tonk-a- Pom. com ..Au". Each time a convict hits a four or six the scoreboard flashes with the word 'tonked ". Funny eh - I wish we were that witty. I urge all readers to instruct their friends and family to boycott Ford products with immediate effect.

The convicts were lucky today. Ponting the "token Tasmanian"should have been out when he had scored only 167 and the replay clearly showed that Darrel Hair would have given him out but Steve Bucknor didn’t. Despite being 52-3 at close chasing 602 we are still hopeful, like the German army in Stalingrad.

Sign off with today’s highlight Ritchie Benaud came past us into the press box looking very frail and as he climbed up the steps the whole stand stood up and applauded and he was nearly crying. Tuffers was there too and also another person called Martin Samuels from the Sun who Mike assures me is a celebrity but he looked to me like a kebab salesman - certainly looked like he'd eaten plenty anyway.

More news after the end of the test, regards Midnight.

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