South Africa Tour 2009/10

Today will be 'Herbie's WAG Tour'

The plan I have hatched seems to suit everybody. Today will be ‘Herbie’s WAG Tour’ with Wycombe’s car borrowed for the day and Mrs B, Tavaré, Hyacinth and little Thomas on a magical mystery tour to the Cape.

This was, of course, a recipe for disaster as the removal of their partners for the day would be an open invitation to mayhem for the AA members concerned.

The tour is great fun as we encounter a truly magical beach called ‘Misty Cliffs’ where the freezing cold Atlantic Ocean creates a surreal mist over the beach as it hits the warm coastline. Then off to Cape Point where there are dire warnings about vicious wild baboons, which Hyacinth seems keen to meet. I fail to see the attraction of the red-arsed f*ckers, although I would dearly love to repeat the hilarious spectacle of the w*nking koala bear I met in Australia. There is something really hilarious about animals having sex or masturbating. Perhaps I need to see a psychiatrist.

Cape Point is truly roasting, and full of vermin, otherwise known as marauding Japanese tourists with their herd mentality. I give up trying to get a photo at the Cape Point sign so just stand behind the tourist filth making rude signs.

We end a splendid trip in Simonstown where we get to meet the penguins on the beach. These are African penguins apparently, but they are fat waddling little critters and Hyacinth has to be physically restrained from taking one home. Other wildlife watching which amuses involves a redneck Saffer getting nicked by the police on the beach for taking his dog for a swim in the sea. All very pleasing.

We return back to base and the tension begins to rise as I start a sweepstake on who has got the most p*ssed at Newlands. I can’t decide whether it is SP or Mr B, but decide it has to be Mr B. Maybe I have got this wrong as Hyacinth gets a phone call from SP in a taxi asking her where the hotel is. The call is cut short and then Hyacinth cannot get reconnected.

We decide to take Hyacinth back to her hotel and the word comes back that SP is still alive, which is more than can be said for Mr B and Saint who are in Bob’s Bar again looking slaughtered. On arrival, PC Tango looks mightily relieved as clearly his extensive training at Hendon Police College did not cover dealing with AA members who have spent the whole afternoon out of the sun and in a nearby bar outside of the cricket ground.

I have clearly called it absolutely right as the Saffers have run up a massive 312-2 with Smith looking unassailable. This correct assessment of the match will, of course, not be mentioned again by fellow AAers, but no doubt my near-error in Port of Spain will be recalled on numerous occasions.

Next to the ‘Addis in Cape’ Ethiopian restaurant for dinner, which simply had to be done, although Mr B gets a red card from the missus after deciding that he needed more alcohol. Off home to Camps Bay for our Yorkshire boy. The proprietors of Addis in Cape, look on in disbelief as the Addis flag is unfurled, but soon decide that it must go up on the wall in pride of place.

SP has somehow made it to the restaurant after a recuperative 2 hours nap but unfortunately the slumber has not kept him out of UK Gold mode again. This time his needle is stuck on ‘Herbie’s WAG tour’ and the need to set up a similar trip for Bangladesh.

18 sit down to the 150 Rand set meal which consists of very large chapatti-like bread covered with various individual dishes. Hyacinth cannot believe that there are no knives and forks.


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